Sunday, December 3, 2017

So you wanna know what it's like to have a panic attack?

Last month, I experienced my first major panic attack in over half a year. I mean, sure, I'd had small ones in between, like when I couldn't find a place to live or when I saw my rapist on the sidewalk, both of which are completely justifiable, but because I'd had such success at handling my triggered anxiety, I complimented myself on a job well done.
Via MonsterGif
When you go from having at least one to two major panic attacks in a week to one or two minuscule (by comparison) events over a period of several months, I guess it's not inappropriate to pat yourself on the back, but in my case, it turned into complacency. I didn't see or feel the warning signs and found myself back in the clutches of my emotionally and mentally damaged psyche. 

Even in the midst of some of the most hectic moments of my recent life, I decided to do something. I grabbed a notebook and just started writing what I felt, what I thought, how I felt about what I thought, and I'm just going to type it out here, unedited*. I've also annotated in brackets for further clarification as best I could; it's kind of hard to remember exactly what was going on at the time. Just ... be prepared?

Also, panic attacks are different for everyone, and not everyone experiences - or even expresses - them like I do, so what I went through may not match how someone you know goes through. That is the fun part about the human body: every single person has a unique way of dealing with every single thing.

Alrighty, onto the panic attack ... 

Friday, November 24, 2017

Parks and Recreation Supplemental Post: Donna Meagle

Via Giphy
In Season Six's "Fluoride," April makes the observation that there is no dog in the world that could embody Donna's spirit because Donna is a cat. And you know what? It's true, and it's probably why I like her so much. I mean, don't get me wrong: I love dogs. Zola is one of the best things in my life, and in a few years, I'd even like to get another one. But cats? I love me some cats. I want all the cats. I would adopt three more if it wouldn't overwhelm my apartment and the three cats already living there.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

My Skincare and Me

A little over a year ago, I started using the Korean 10-step skincare routine, and y'all, I can't even lie. It is intimidating for the uninitiated. You look at all the steps and the products available, and you probably hyperventilate a little bit. Where in the hell do you even begin? Now that I'm used to it, I have it pared down to about seven minutes on a regular day (when I'm not doing one or two of the steps, but I'll get to that in a bit), but at the beginning, I wasn't sure I was going to stick with it. I was overwhelmed and wanted to go back to simpler times, where I just used Clean and Clear, night cream, and SPF. But I wanted to make a change. For half a decade, I let a lot of things, slide, and one of those was staying healthy. Even brushing my teeth was left by the wayside. A lot of this was caused by depression, and the fact that I was slowly deteriorating into a deeper depression was because self-care was just not even on my radar any longer.

Sunday, November 19, 2017


Via Kate Bellm
Before I get started, I'm giving everybody a trigger warning, as I'll be mentioning suicide, self-harm, and depression in this post.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017


Eventually, I'll stop remembering this day as significant; it'll just be three days before my sister's birthday, the middle of the month, however many days before Thanksgiving, forty days before Christmas, a month and a half before the start of a new year. But for now? It's my anniversary.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Parks and Recreation Supplemental Post: Garry Gergich

You know what makes me mad? That there are plenty of goofy or unflattering pictures of Jim O'Heir's Garry Gergich but are so few good ones on the internet. What makes it worse is that - and I have this on good authority - Jim is such a sweet, genuine person and deserves so much better than he receives.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Some good news for a change!

Via ScrubSmart
Say hello to your friendly neighborhood certified pharmacy technician! Yesterday, I finally took the exam to get certified and passed, and I swear, it was a weird feeling of "well, of course, I was going to" and also "OMG I passed?", so naturally, the boy and I went out and got cigars and the fixins for chicken salad.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I never thought it would be like this.

Because apparently November is Get All Your Shit Out There Month, here's a another post that goes a bit darker than usual. It's a bit jarring, I know, to go from happy Parks and Rec supplementals into trigger warning territory, and I promise I'm going to post some lighter material as the month progresses, but these past few months have been very Saturn-comes-back-around for me, which actually happened back in 2013, but I digress. 

Anyway, before I go dark, here's a picture of some puppies. 
Via Babble

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Parks and Recreation Supplemental Post: Andy Dwyer

Via Odyssey
I don't think I've met a single person who does not like Andy Dwyer. Seriously. Go poll your friends, Leslie-style. I'll wait. Well, I won't, because I already wrote this, but this post will be here when you get back.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Parks and Recreation Supplemental Post: Ron Swanson

Via Gifrific
In Ben's post, I mentioned toxic masculinity because of course I did, and now I get to go into it a little bit deeper because it's Ron Fucking Swanson Day. It's quite appropriate that a certain excerpt from a Men's Health interview kept popping up on my Facebook feed, too, because it's so perfectly Nick Offerman but also a great opener to what I love about Ron Swanson:
I went to theatre school. I took two semesters of ballet. I'm the 'sissy' in my family. I cry with pretty great regularity. It's not entirely accurate to equate me with manliness. I stand for my principals and I work hard and I have good manners, but machismo is a double-sided coin. A lot of people think it requires behavior that can quickly veer into misogyny and things I consider indecent. We've been sold this weird John Wayne mentality that fistfights and violence are vital to being a man. I'd rather hug than punch. Crying at something that moves you to joy or sadness is just as 'manly' as chopping down a tree or punching out a bad guy ... If you live your life openly with your emotions, that's a more manly stance than burying them.
I highly recommend reading the entire interview, as it has classic Offerman wit and charm, but this quote in particular is so fucking important.
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